All who reached this shining city declared it a Sanctuary, a place where dreams came true.
Beautiful Sirens claimed this as their homeland, establishing their own lesser realms in abutting lands called Beverly Hills, Malibu, Hollywood and the most highly virtuous of all, Santa Monica.
So powerful and seductive became these Sirens' call that it reached distant frozen fields, luring men who were giants among Vikings to their shores. These tall Masters of Show Time never returned to that Land of 10,000 Lakes, but they kept their name, Lakers, even if it seemed ironic in this new land with only a leaky reservoir and artificial water traps where a Duffer might lose his little white balls.
"We shall have our revenge," saith the Vikings, but they never henceforth won the Super Bowl. Nay, their revenge would have to wait.
Over many decades, concrete and asphalt covered most of those golden poppy fields, and the name City of Angels itself became ironic.
But despite this, those who lived under its sunny skies where the climate seemed perfect 350 days of the year nonetheless declared it good, if for no other reason than Lucky Proposition 13 kept their property taxes low.
Then one day, a deadly dragon named Covid flew across the deep blue sea from a distant land that shall never be named lest it cause anyone to unfairly attack minorities of similar ethnicity, as unlikely as that may seem to any sane person. (Hint, that name is not Voldemort.)
Covid was a most fearsome dragon, so King Gavin the Handsome of California, the greater kingdom wherein the City of Angels commands its southern shores, declared a sacrifice must be made.
Finding no virgins in the City of Angels, King Gavin declared Nail Salon Owners and Manicurists must be sacrificed.
However, King Gavin's elderly Aunt Nancy the Gruesome, who had a luxurious palace by the Golden Gate of the North but flew regularly by private 747 to the Land of the Money Tree where she ruled the People's House, knew a Duke from the tiny kingdom of Delaware known to be wise in such matters.
Amtrak Joe said if you are black, then you vote for him, and to own a 7-11, you must be Indian, but not in the same way as the Dame who may well be the Tonto to his Lone Ranger, Elizabeth Warren. Joe pointed out that many in Nail Salons have family origins from that huge continent which racists might confuse with the place from whence the dragon emerged.
King Gavin the Handsome recognized the wisdom in how his Nail Salon ban might be misinterpreted, so he proclaimed, "Then we shall sacrifice all the Local Merchants, except grocery stores and abortion clinics, which are essential services."
The Handsome King decreed the rabble could still shop online at Amazon, and that Target and WalMart could remain open because they too carried groceries.
After weeks of sacrifice stretched into months, King Gavin realized the royal treasury had all been thoroughly depleted, plus much more beyond that, and the state pensions had long teetered on the edge of collapse. What could he do? Fortunately, at that moment, he received a pagan revelation that the dragon would be satisfied if the Handsome allowed any Local Merchants who somehow survived the dragon's offering to slowly re-open.
In the City of Angels, Prince Eric the Panderer, had other ideas. "Let us take no chance offending the dragon Covid and his friend Bezos the Bountiful. We shall not allow any Local Merchants to operate above 25% capacity until we have sacrificed them, too."
Bezos the Bountiful, it must be noted, was not only King of THE Amazon but also controlled a powerful herald called Washington Post, which like a cosmic umpire of unlimited power could call a pitch a ball or a strike, or declare a base runner out or safe, and thus make it so, regardless of what the players or an impartial observer may know to be true.
He was as strong as any dragon, and much to be feared.
Meanwhile, in the far away Land of 10,000 Lakes, the Vikings sensed weakness in the City of Angels that could be the perfect opportunity to serve its cold revenge for stealing its Lakers.
It was a devious plan indeed.
Have a rogue cop in its Democrat-ruled Twin Cities most heinously choke with his knee a black man arrested for a petty crime. The rage released by that despicable act sent shock waves far and wide, well beyond their sworn enemies in the West.
So strong was the fury of this Twin Cities Dragon that it could not be controlled, and it went to the east and ravaged New York City, then across the east coast's vast ocean to crash through Europe, destroying even Belgian waffles.
To the west, it went all the way to Santa Monica and Seattle, with that latter being a vast metropolis north of California in the Kingdom of Floyd, that State Formerly Known as Washington.
Can the City of Angels withstand this onslaught intended by the Vikings as revenge for them alone?
Or was this never intended for the City of Angels alone?
Was it meant to destroy all of Western Civilization?
I'm not sure, but I was at least able to finally get my hair trimmed at Super Cuts.
Nonetheless, when Charlie the Bald continued to puff his skunk weed outdoors as warm summer weather required open windows, and Prince Eric's henchwoman Der Fuhrer declared it illegal to have lounge chairs beside any pool in a multi-family residential castle, the dye was cast.
Like a spooky story at a campground, for now this tale does not end with: "And they lived happily ever after."
Perhaps another day, when the foolish Blue royals have hearkened the words of Wise Emperor Donald the Bold, then like Arnold Schwazenegger, we will be back.
For the moment, we bade farewell to the City of Angels, seeking happy trails elsewhere.
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