If it is all about the object of your desires, then you're missing at least half of the equation.
You must be the person who can attract and keep that ideal mate.
I would take it a giant step further to say the majority of responsibility for a perfect marriage is on you.
Even if that is not true, it is an empowering belief, because if you really thing about it, none of us can change anyone but ourselves.
Not married yet?
This applies to any long term romantic relationship.
Possibly if you're into S and M, but for most of us, the answer is a strong "hell no!"
So what makes you think that carping about your spouse's foibles could possibly improve your relationship?
It might...and I stress "might," not will...correct a small problem, but it almost inevitably will add a small layer of annoyance-scar tissue.
Then again, consistently acting inconisderately through careless acts certainly won't endure you to loved ones.
And yet, when you look around, that is where you see most relationships devolve eventually, with both sides thinking they've been wronged.
Worse yet, withholding your best self to punish your mate may push them into feeling justifed to do something much worse.
Instead, why not go out of your way to be the ideal person for your mate in that relationship?
Never forget that you chose this life, and unless you want to throw it all away, you might as well make the best of it. Being your best not only makes you more attractive, it makes you feel better about yourself.
Growing up in the TV age, I think a lot of people subconsciously pattern themselves after characters they watch consistently.
While we may not admit it even to ourselves, many seem to pattern themselves after terrible role models like Al and Peggy Bundy, if you remember that show "Married With Children," using their spouse as the butt of jokes for an invisible audience.
In reality, we should play for an audience of only one, and that is the person with whom we are in the relationship.
I have two role models I selected from classic television, though I certainly fall short.
First, Ozzie Nelson from the classic show of the '50s and '60s, "Ozzie and Harriet," who seemed like the perfect family man.
Ozzie was a friendly guy who could laugh at his own foibles and tried to see the good in all situations.
He and Harriet had the relationship of happily married parents in the suburbs.
I think Ozzie was supposed to be a life insurance salesman, but in the series he seemed to be more focused on everything else in his life.
He wasn't what you'd call a work-a-holic by any stretch of the imagination, but they lived comfortably, indicating that between the two of them they brought in sufficient income to raise their family.
I sometimes failed to maintain Ozzie's equanimity in the face of day-to-day frustrations often related to children or work, but for the most part, I can look back and see that Ozzie pattern to my approach.
My other TV role model is Jonathan Hart of "Hart to Hart."
At the time I watched this Sidney Sheldon brainchild, it didn't seem as realistic a lifestyle as "Ozzie and Harriet."
Jonathan and Jennifer were millionaires who enjoyed the best of everything.
It's not the successful industrialist that I patterened, though I certainly would be happy to be that.
It was his relationshiop with Jennifer, and actually everyone around him, that I try to emulate.
Jonathan treated everyone with tremendous respect, but no one more so than his beautiful wife.
The technology and luxuries from way back when are often laughable today, reminding us that even the poorest among us now live like millionaires from thirty years ago in many ways, but it is the relationships that matter most.
You have no doubt this couple loves each other, and they're always trying to be a perfect partner in their relationship.
It's an abiding friendship with deep respect like Ozzie and Harriet, but also exciting, romantic love.
Now if you happen to be a baby boomer like me who knows these shows, you undoubtedly recognize that Ozzie and Harriet Nelson were homebodies while Jonathan and Jennifer Hart traveled extensively.
That makes sense for empty nesters, and some families also reach levels of financial success that allow them to travel comfortably, too.
On the other hand, Al and Peg Bundy sometimes tried to travel with children, but of course Al would cheap out on exactly the wrong thing, leading to some new disaster for which Peg could criticize him.
So, the question is, who do you really want to be?
Who are you ready to be now?
When you strive to be that ideal person, you may find your spouse has less to nit pick.
Just for the heck of it, try to avoid being that person who does annoying things or nit picks for a week or two. You will probably find your mate's attitude improves too.
One of the easiset places to re-set your relationship is on a cruise, where you have absolutely no excuse to think anything but positive thoughts. You can then come back to daily reality as those people in your newly found happy relationship.
And before you get off that re-connection cruise, book another one, so you have that milestone event as a target for maintaining your best self until you can get a "booster shot" of stress-free days at sea.
"Better service leads to better trips!"
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