Expect nothing but heartache and disappointment!

The ship might have seemed like the fulfillment of a brilliant dream when she left the shipyard, but the engineers hadn't reckoned on the slipshod maintenance efforts and general incompetence of the crew once she went to sea.

Within two weeks, this ship had become a floating favela infested with crime and pestilence, and I urge you to not take this trip regardless of the price.

Definitely avoid voluntarily leaving your stateroom at any time, but at night in particular.  After all, there's absolutely no point in risking the dangerous walk just to see entertainers who would be jeered off stage if they tried to sing at a karaoke bar in your home town.

Then again, staying in your stateroom is essentially like climbing in the back of a garbage truck and tumbling uncontrollably until you get unceremoneously dumped out by your rough and rude room steward.



I would advise fasting throughout the cruise if possible, as the only thing that will otherwise save you from grave intesinal disorder is the disgusting taste which makes the meals almost impossible to swallow, in the unlikely event that your surly waiter manages to find his way to your table with what will inevitably be the wrong order.  Needless to say, buy lots of overpriced mouthwash at the onboard gift shop and rinse liberally should any food prepared on board accidentally enter your mouth.

If you do make it into any port safely, which given the track record of the captain and his crew would be an iffy proposition at best, you will most likely find an inhospitable wasteland, a place so smelly and ugly you will wish you were in Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell instead.

And never ever take a ship-sponsored shore excursion, as they inevitably lead to the Eighth and Ninth Circles of Hell on a filthy bus from which you can't escape for hours on end.



Surprisingly, this sales pitch rarely gets any takers.

If it did, however, I dare say I would have nothing but elated returning clients who thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of their vacations when reality turned to be so far removed from horrible projections.

In order to be convinced to take a cruise, however, prospective cruisers want to know exactly why they should take that one particular cruise, beyond the paradigm that it fits the required budget, time frame and general destination they have in mind for their next great vacation.



Often, preconceived notions from dynamic internet and TV commercials have already created indelible images in your mind before you contact me, and fortunately for the most part those advertisments do stress the strengths of the brands that appeal to their target audience rather than intentionally misleading travelers, even if the same can't always be said about lead pricing that often applies to isolated dates rather than all those implied.

Describing delicious dining, mind-blowing onboard activities, luxurious ships and Unesco World Heritage Sites in ports unquestionably raises expectations further.

And for the most part, cruises live up to all this hype.


However, we all love pleasant surprises.

If we know every single good thing that will happen, and unfortunately that is often what it takes to convince someone to commit to a trip, then that level of positive assumption not only dulls otherwise delightful surprises but creates the conditions for chasms of disappointment in what would ideally be a gently rolling landscape of pleasure.

Humans hate bad surprises perhaps even more than we love good surprises.

I know I for one have become so upset over some truly meaningless element that I've pulled myself out of what could be a wonderful vacation moment.



When that happens, take a deep breath and re-consider the situation, putting it in perspective.  As my good friend Mike likes to say, a bad day on a cruise is still better than a good day at work.

Second, as much as possible, remove yourself from negative people reinforcing fear and anger.  This isn't always possible, especially if those people are your traveling companions.  Trust me when I say that telling someone to "calm down" does not work.  Instead, do your best to set a good example and change the focus during a time of stress.

The best tip I can give you to enjoy a vacation is to keep your sense of humor about any given situation.  A tragedy and a comedy frequently contain the same story elements, but how we respond to the narrative definitely changes our experience.

"Better service leads to better trips!"